Wednesday, December 5, 2007

mama got a J-O-B

well, finally after months and months of interviewing, i got a job. i am so relieved. i met with the recruiter in hoboken and then sat down with the nurse manager in the unit. i knew we'd hit it off when she was talking about her daughter going to a school close by my nursing school in worcester, mass. the floor is really nice; bright and redesigned. they have dialysis and chemo on the floor also, so that would be interesting to train in...

i wanted this job for several reasons; i won't be car dependent and can walk to work, since d will be losing his HP car once he leaves. it is also 3 12-hour shifts on nights which i wanted. i will be home more nights than gone.

i just had this idiot grin today because this has been a dream i have been pursuing for over 8 years. while at hackensack on a cardiac floor, i was a unit clerk and was working on my mcats after finishing my undergrad pre-med. i was floundering in the pre-med stuff and in retrospect, didn't apply myself to the mcats. so i shouldn't have been surprised when i scored fairly low on the mcat. i hadn't pursued nursing since i had an archiacic notion of what it was. prior to working at hackensack, i pretty much thought it was changing bedpans and diapers. after woeking as a clerk and helping out the residents and nurses on the evening shift, i can to a sudden realization that that really was what i had a desire to do. i applied and started at felician college in nj, but just before starting clinicals, they closed the program without telling us. this soon became on ehurdle after another. i got married, had a baby, d lost his job. during that i was accepted to 3 nursing schools but couldn't start because of the baby or our impending move to mass. i remember walking through hackensack thinking that i just really wanted to be there in my nursing uniform, starting IV's, passing meds, and doing the bedside care.

there is such an intimate part of humanity that you experience working with people in those moments, that i just could never see myself doing anything else. i was so moved by my experiences in nursing school at clinicals, as well as working with several of my instructors. there was one in particular, enoh ukpong ("anna"). she was almost 4'10" and a potent little firecracker. i had her for my first clinical in a nursing home and several after that spring. we were barely 2 months into school and scared out of our minds to go in and do a history on these little old ladies. i was almost late the first day since i stayed to see the scott peterson verdict and just about got lost on my way.

i couldn't "read" her at first. she has this look, and as cliche as it sounds, when she's looking at you like this, you can almost feel her reading your soul. she will catch you at the oddest moments, and ask you in this strange maya angelou sort of way what you are feeling about the experience when you are drawing up heparin in the med room. she can read your mind and there is something oddly soothing and jarring when you are alone with someone and you're on this similar plane, juxtaposing these moments, changing wound dressings and philosophizing life choices and motherhood. i soon understood that a huge part of nursing is social science.

well, i could go on and on, but that's another time... i just know that there is a great deal more in store for me in the coming months....

Monday, December 3, 2007

bad weekend

ugh... it seems we have all been host to nice little stomach bug and this weekend was d and mine turn. so much so that i had to miss my interview this morning. i started feeling like something wasn't right last night, but not he worst i've felt in my life. i thought if i could just wait it out, i could go, but there was no way that would have happened! d had called in for a sick day sunday night, and thank god he did...
ah well, hopefully i will be rescheduled soon, maybe wed morning. i felt like an ass calling the recruiter since i have checked in with her frequently lately, not quite hounding her for an interview, but she got the idea.
i'm having some quasi-anxious feelings about working and having d stay home with the boys, but i guess i get this way when i know there is an impending change in our lives. i got this way right before nursing school started, maybe a touch before r's birth (but i was mostly excited). i'm always tetering on the edge of feeling empowered as a mother, trying to multi-task and feel accomplished and then trying to rangle the guilt i have needing to work. i can rationalize all of it to a cetain part of my brain, but there is the other part that says i should be their primary caregiver. i don't know. this is just something i am deaing with at the moment...