Catch as catch can

just passing through....

2009-06-26T17:38:00.001-07:00

honestly, i don't even know why i don't just delete this thing sometimes....

we are trudging through, almost done with summer classes, and maybe (!) i can get a breather after that. right now it's been work, work, work, morning and night class for dave, me terminally exhausted, trying to keep up with 2 energetic boys.... feeling like i'm failing in all arenas. i just can't seem to get ahead of myself, or recharge my batteries to get through. i'm just doing the best i can right now. i wish it didn't feel so hard sometimes.

i also seem to be having more and more guilt about working. since we signed rowan up for pre-school next year (quite a substantial monthly nut that will be) i have been knowing things are going to have to change a bit (read: i need to get some other kind of job to supplement this...) we scrutinized our choices, and felt this was the best situation for him, and since we will not have to pay for grade school (free charter school) we figured it was worth the one year struggle... liam just finished his kindergarten year, and really grew in leaps and bounds. he went from just being able to write his name, to now reading chapter books in one school year. and he loves it. i still want to read him stories at bedtime, but he tells me "no, i'm reading to you.." (!) wonderful. i am so proud of him.

the floor is suffering from low staffing, and so my approved vaca time isn't really going to be honored. all i wanted was to get down to see my grandparents, with dave and the boys, especially after this winter (since Clark, my uncle committed suicide in feb... oooh that's another loooong post). i just hope i can finagle some sort of mid week kind of thing and shoot down to AL for 7 days.

in other bright news (!! hahah!!) seriously... :) dave is doing welll, and i can, despite my stress level, see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. i'm relieved that this really is finite, and i will be able to be with the boys and have some semblance of regularity again. i just struggle when i am sooo far in it that i can't seem to get ahold of some balance in our life. that's really hard. managing the house while working on the unit... i can't even get through a shift without being texted about what to cook for dinner, when i don't even get home until bedtime (!)

until next time...
hopefully that may be sooner than 5 months...

Baaaaaaaaaaad Blogger

2009-04-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

well, i've been MIA for, uhhh months. but life happens. and boy does it. rowan continues to slowly torture us with sleep deprivation and i cannot remember the last time i've slept longer than a 3 hours stretch in, oh 2 years. work has been draining the life from me, and i continue to job hunt for something in labor and delivery. i suppose when you don't have anything good to say....

dave is flying through school and i can't believe the first year will be done before i know it. we signed ourselves on to a wixked summer class schedule (morning and evening classes daily mon to thur for 5 weeks) but this will allow dave to be off for the better part of july and august as opposed to being in summer school throughout the summer. no way jose. we need a break!!!!

liam is reading now and really enjoys kindergarten. we were so blessed that he got into this charter school....

well... enough for now
....

school days

2008-09-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

so, my oldest is off to kindergarten. we finally got word the week before school that liam was in at my mother's school (where she is the school nurse). it is a progressive charter school and scores quite well. we were naturally excited. it didn't quite hit me until days before. we took a final summer outing to the sprinklers in bayonne, which were the only ones still on after labor day, the day before school opened. as i watched liam frolick in the water, the feeling came over me that this was the last day "home". so i cried the day before school. i just had this overwheling feeling of wanting another year. it was such a sense of sadness and loss for the last 5+ years that i hadn't really sat in yet. these moments that we don't anticipate, the ones that creep up on you, these are the hard parts of motherhood you don't hear/know about from the start, from your friends at your shower.

liam ended up late that day since we had to get his transfer, not knowing we wasted time at ps 28 and then going to saoring heights, his original charter school, to get the transfer. he went for 2/3 of the half day. he loved it, and his teachers are wonderful. our neighbor down the street is in his class and he feels comfortable making new friends.

on the job front, orientation for hospice is put on hold at this time. i just don't know where i would fit in the time. we decided that i will just try to do a couple extra shifts a month at work. i am starting to really get the hang of this, as much as i possibly could. the short-staffing is pretty ridiculous, but there isn't i am able to do about that.

terms of employment

2008-06-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

i have always and forever adored 't.erms of e.ndearment', esp. the scene when Shirley is pleading with the nurses for the 10pm pain meds ("It's past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don't understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT'S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can't you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!" ). it's in the class of films i watch biyearly, and cry at all the same parts. i now have 2 sons and the last scene with her boys gets increasingly more difficult to watch. to contemplate that reality, well, no thanks.

i digress.

i have been mulling over the idea of a second job, per diem of course, preferably 16 to 20 hours a month. ideally, i'd just want to fill in to where i would be working a normal 40 hr week, since my present job albeit "full-time" isn't quite that. it isn't as easy to find per diem work, as i have been in med/surg under a year.

i drove out to p.arsippany yesterday to interview at a hospice company that i was introduced to through several of our patients. i have admitted several patients to in house hospice over the last few weeks. i routinely care for terminal patients, and feel an interest in pursuing this. i'm good at it. their needs are basic, and it clarifies a resolve in me to be the nurse i thought i would be when i was in school. what i am now, i feel, is a drug pusher, a waitress of opiates; managing the crazy and emptying the catheters. it doesn't feel like i do any good; i just make sure to keep them alive for shift change... ha ha, little medical humor. not funny? yeah, i know.

not sure what will happen, per usual. i just don't want to take anymore time away from the boys. at least with this, i tell them my availability. and i can work as much or as little as i want. say i want to work some evenings when dave is studying and the boys are sleeping, *poof*! done. sounds pretty decent... except when that means, i'm going out to do a pronouncement. geez. i won't be any fun at parties.

recent ones of the chillens...

fun times

2008-06-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

well, it's been an age, hasn't it? i've gone through orientation and have now been on my own for something like 4 weeks. i was pulled today to another med/surg floor, and it was OK, albeit busy. i wasn't sure how the day would pan out considering the moment i walked on the floor, i was told one of my prospective patients had "expired". gee, that was welcoming.

i spent most of the day suctioning the trach of a man dying of throat cancer. many of us nurses have our Achilles heel. mine happens to be mucous. not just run of the mill,but copious, copious amounts, of putrid odoriferous mucous, shooting out of trach tubes. (oh, yes... it was.) it caught me off guard when i nearly had to grab his trash can while during said suctioning while his aunt looked on. he is the most emacicated, cachetic patients i've ever seen. his skin is like saran wrapping a skeleton. his thraot cancer has now spread to his lungs, yet the family holds out hope that he will go home with some help. i hate when i have to speak with family when they are still in such denial. he is a full code patient (meaning no DNR order) and truthfully, i doubt he will make it to monday.

i have had some colorful experiences thus far in my weeks. i am now unsure if i will ever end up in an ER somewhere. i've had my share of crazy right now. some days, i just want to transfer to the nursery and change diapers all day, at least the butts are smaller...

first days

2008-02-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

so, i have started. last week was 3 days in a row, about 13 1/2 a day. i barely saw the kiddos awake. trust me, this wasn't my choice. i have to follow my preceptor's schedule for 12 weeks...
it is a busy floor. we have samed ay oncology on one end and dialysis on the other. we had an 18 year noncompliant guy with active TB, various MRSA, VRE, and several C-Diff patients (C-Diff is a nasty nasty [like no diarrhea isn't nasty??] diarrhea you can catch from antibiotics, and it's soo hard to get rid of) by day 2 i had 2 patients of my own, and i've been rolling ever since. and yes, someone died on my first day (not because of me of course!!!) and i did post-mortum care. what a way to end it.
i don't know really what i think, since i don't know if i want to stay in this area. i know it's just started, but i just don't know. i like much more excitement. today was fairly ho-hum and i discharged 3 people.
ah, well. at least i have off tomorrow

Orientation

2008-01-24T14:12:00.000-08:00

Smallpox
Anthrax
Ricin
WMD
What comes to mind? What do those words encite in your parasympathetic nervous system? For me, yikes! do you have a paperbag!??!?!? WEll... my one day hospital orientation was today, regular RN orientation starts on Feb 4th, then right into floor orientation. It was one day, just sitting, listening, mostly OSHA, benefits, and risk management stuff. I thought there may be some emergency preparedness since it is a hospital and it is in Hoboken, so when I saw the schedule, I thought "Oh what fun, the last hour is an entirely diaster readiness!!"
I knew I wouldn't enjoy it, but I didn't think I would be the only person biting my lip, fighting back tears for nearly the whole hour.
Alrighty, some history on this ... I lived in Jersey City, as we do now and on the same block, on 9/11. My 6 windows in my kitchen and living room framed the NY skyline. So after 9/11, all I could see was the smoking towers for, oh 3+ weeks. I have since battled PTSD. A 12 hour power outage in August 2003 sent me into level 4 panic for hours. Let's just say I freaked my sister out. Poor thing, she had no idea about me. So when we moved to Mass. I struggled with the move and PTSD, so while in nursing school, I utilized my resources at school. I was diagnosed with PTSD and met with my mental health professional on campus once a week for,oooh, 52 weeks....

I am better, but the reality of moving back to the hot zone, with my 2 kids, can strike the fear of whatever in me...

I know I have made some progress since I first sought help. Today, I was at about a 5 and knew I could more easily get to a 1 or 2, rather than going into a full-blown 8, and staying there for days..... It doesn't necessarily make me feel better or safer.

I wish I had better answers for myself. This is the best I can do right now. But, it is still better than what I had. I suppose it is some sort of progress.

As for everything else, just hanging in there. Kiddos are not sick, which is always nice. Dave starts his Saturday class this weekend. 9 to 4 every Sat. yay. I'm hoping I get some sort of schedule from my preceptor the beginning of Feb, otherwise I don't know how I'm going to sort out a bday party for Liam, who turns 5 on 2/21. OMG!!!!

I will be on days now. My new nurse manager called and offered me the change. I think 7a to 7p will be much more tolerable than 7p to 7a... ya think?!?!?

bad blogger

2008-01-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

jeez! i can't even write one post in a month??!!? what was i doing in december?
well... christmas was quite nice. low-key, but nice. i somehow got myself a wonderous cold and near sinus infection the entire week. ugh, i wasn't too happy. esp since the friday morning after xmas when i woke (7 days into it) with the nastiest bit of what i thought was a sinus infection... i called my doctor, only to find she didn't have anyone covering. granted i anticipated having to see whomever she has covering her, since she was out, but what primary care doesn't have someone covering??!?!? they just tell her pts to go to the ER??? ugh.
lucky for me, things cleared quickly. just more difficult when your littlest enjoys waking you nightly each time you fall asleep, which is about 7x a night!!!
SORRY!!! enough whining!!!!
the boys LOVED their train table, and liam esp loved his T-Rex. Dave and I pooled our gifts and got the Canon S3IS. happy about that, just have to sit myself down and actually read some directions for once. i'm horrid at directions. i just get impatient.
i am inching my way closer and closer to my start date at h.boken hospital. i know dave is sooo happy about leaving hp, and i am glad he will be starting his anatomy class, but i definitely have my moments of panic when i remember a) i will be now be the sole bread-winner and b) i will no longer be the stay-at-home parent... i know this is only for the duration of dave's nursing school, but i keep thinking my time with rowan at home is OVER. i'm not sure what will help me get over this hump, but i'm going to try not to have my mini panic attacks!!!!

mama got a J-O-B

2007-12-05T17:40:00.001-08:00

well, finally after months and months of interviewing, i got a job. i am so relieved. i met with the recruiter in hoboken and then sat down with the nurse manager in the unit. i knew we'd hit it off when she was talking about her daughter going to a school close by my nursing school in worcester, mass. the floor is really nice; bright and redesigned. they have dialysis and chemo on the floor also, so that would be interesting to train in...

i wanted this job for several reasons; i won't be car dependent and can walk to work, since d will be losing his HP car once he leaves. it is also 3 12-hour shifts on nights which i wanted. i will be home more nights than gone.

i just had this idiot grin today because this has been a dream i have been pursuing for over 8 years. while at hackensack on a cardiac floor, i was a unit clerk and was working on my mcats after finishing my undergrad pre-med. i was floundering in the pre-med stuff and in retrospect, didn't apply myself to the mcats. so i shouldn't have been surprised when i scored fairly low on the mcat. i hadn't pursued nursing since i had an archiacic notion of what it was. prior to working at hackensack, i pretty much thought it was changing bedpans and diapers. after woeking as a clerk and helping out the residents and nurses on the evening shift, i can to a sudden realization that that really was what i had a desire to do. i applied and started at felician college in nj, but just before starting clinicals, they closed the program without telling us. this soon became on ehurdle after another. i got married, had a baby, d lost his job. during that i was accepted to 3 nursing schools but couldn't start because of the baby or our impending move to mass. i remember walking through hackensack thinking that i just really wanted to be there in my nursing uniform, starting IV's, passing meds, and doing the bedside care.

there is such an intimate part of humanity that you experience working with people in those moments, that i just could never see myself doing anything else. i was so moved by my experiences in nursing school at clinicals, as well as working with several of my instructors. there was one in particular, enoh ukpong ("anna"). she was almost 4'10" and a potent little firecracker. i had her for my first clinical in a nursing home and several after that spring. we were barely 2 months into school and scared out of our minds to go in and do a history on these little old ladies. i was almost late the first day since i stayed to see the scott peterson verdict and just about got lost on my way.

i couldn't "read" her at first. she has this look, and as cliche as it sounds, when she's looking at you like this, you can almost feel her reading your soul. she will catch you at the oddest moments, and ask you in this strange maya angelou sort of way what you are feeling about the experience when you are drawing up heparin in the med room. she can read your mind and there is something oddly soothing and jarring when you are alone with someone and you're on this similar plane, juxtaposing these moments, changing wound dressings and philosophizing life choices and motherhood. i soon understood that a huge part of nursing is social science.

well, i could go on and on, but that's another time... i just know that there is a great deal more in store for me in the coming months....

bad weekend

2007-12-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

ugh... it seems we have all been host to nice little stomach bug and this weekend was d and mine turn. so much so that i had to miss my interview this morning. i started feeling like something wasn't right last night, but not he worst i've felt in my life. i thought if i could just wait it out, i could go, but there was no way that would have happened! d had called in for a sick day sunday night, and thank god he did...
ah well, hopefully i will be rescheduled soon, maybe wed morning. i felt like an ass calling the recruiter since i have checked in with her frequently lately, not quite hounding her for an interview, but she got the idea.
i'm having some quasi-anxious feelings about working and having d stay home with the boys, but i guess i get this way when i know there is an impending change in our lives. i got this way right before nursing school started, maybe a touch before r's birth (but i was mostly excited). i'm always tetering on the edge of feeling empowered as a mother, trying to multi-task and feel accomplished and then trying to rangle the guilt i have needing to work. i can rationalize all of it to a cetain part of my brain, but there is the other part that says i should be their primary caregiver. i don't know. this is just something i am deaing with at the moment...

interviews

2007-11-30T16:51:00.001-08:00

well i had my final interview at chr*st hospital today, and after haunting the recruiter from hobok*n hospital, i have an interview monday morning. i am waiting to hear from the recruiter at h*ly name hospital about when i will meet with the nurse manager. both chr*st and hobok*n would be decent since i could walk to work, and (will explain in a sec) won't need a car... d's job totally sucks now. hp (he's been there a year since leaving the temp job he had, which was even shittier) is not giving xmas bonuses, cut their overttime rates by 2/3, and are changing their job codes which will allow them to cut the hourly wage of everyone. now since our parttime nanny (whom we love even after only 7 weeks) makes the same hourly rate as d. our plan is that when i get offered a fulltime position it just makes sense for him to leave and be a sahd since my rate (with the night and weekend shift differential) is nearly twice his. he would then get more aggressive in his nursing school admissions process. i am not totally excited about working nights, but hobok*n is doing 3 12 hour shifts which would be ideal in this situation. i am tentative about how i feel since we cosleep and i feel like i will miss r, but i've been sleeping in l's bed 1/2 the night since sept. due to r's awful sleeping habits... what i really have to do is just enjoy this period, with d not in school and r still only 14 months almost. he is getting so big and i don't want to miss anything. at least this way, i am most likely not working xmas this year and am happy about that... we're getting the boys a train table and eb*y is full of some that we can pick-up and then save some dough!!

update on the flea situation....

2007-11-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

well... it seems we are ok. it only took us about 7 weeks or so to get it under control and that is after bombing and spraying for a month. i know there are worse things, but having a severe infestation of any kind is awful...
i have an interview tomorrow with the little hospital down the street. i don't really want to work there but, i think i may be able to get in and it would be terribly close to home. i am hoping that the interview last wed will come through. i spoke with the recruiter today and hopefully i will meet with one of the nurse managers next week...
keeping my fingers and toes crossed

a little about me (little long folks...)

2007-11-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

it is the end of november. i cannot believe it. am i done with my shopping? barely started. i will get there, but it will be as always, right at the very last minute.
i have been meaning to post this for months. i have wanted to finish my journal that i started several years ago, when L was months old. but it has been patchy at best ever since.
here we go....
D and i met in 1999, and by the fall of that year, moved in together. very happy and then engaged feb 2002. found out we were pregnant in june 2002. married and bought house in oct 2002. on bedrest in late 2002 to feb 2003. L was born feb 2003. in june of 2003, D lost his job. no severence, no health insurance. i was still at home and getting ready to go back to school for nursing. D is in IT/help desk, and wanted to go back to school for nursing as well. his parents offered that if we sold our house and moved from NJ to MA, we could live with them and finish our RNs. well, as hard as i felt that was at the time, being a newlywed and new mom, i thought it was the best decision for us. it tore me apart but i went and tried to put on a brave face. it worked for a time but i struggled. in sept of 2004, i began nursing school in MA. there were many waitlists and since i already had an undergrad, i started and D did some pre-reqs in the meantime. ok, just of note... nursing school is hard as it is, but nursing school with a toddler while living with your in-laws is rough.
*breathe*
in oct of 2005 i was heavy into my 3rd semester. i got pneumonia and whooping cough at the same time just before mid-terms. while on antibiotics, i realized we put ourselves in a situation where we may get pregnant. to my utter shock, D was surprisingly disappointed when i wasn't. we talked and deicded that it would be a good time to try since the baby would be born after i finished school. we tried and i got pregnant after 3 cycles and finished my last semester. at the same time, we did all the paperwork for D to go to RN school in NJ. i graduated with honors in may 2006. my parents bought a multi-family and we decided that moving back to NJ and then living with MY parents while he went to RN school would be the plan... we moved in july 2006, and i passed my NJ RN boards in august 2006. R was born naturally (YAY!!) on my 30th bday in oct 2006.
since all this i have been at home with L and R. D got a job with HP, but it doesn't make it for us every month. i am now working part-time at my old fertility clinic job but am still searching for a perm RN job, and we are anticipating reapplying D to nursing school before jan. (the other school lost his transcripts 3 times, so needlesstosay, we are looking elsewhere..)
think i'm crazy?!??! no, i'm just trying to do what's best. although some days i just don't know, and don't want to screw us up with a bad decision.
sometimes, i don't know what the best decision is.....

the great flea infestation of 07

2007-08-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

Much to our chagrin, we returned from camping in New Hampshire in July to realize we had a severe flea infestation on our hands. That the brief excursion our cat Billie took the night of the Sopranos finale began our plight. I was still in Worcester with the boys. D went about vacuuming and with my mother's help, bathed Billie. We had a plan of attack, go green and use only organic essential oils to repel the buggers. Yeah, right.

Apparently, I am what fleas would concider filet mignon and am now suffering upwards of 30+ bites. We finally had to fog several weeks ago, but are still hosting. I have been combing the cat several times a day, and at least am only finding on average 4 to 8. This has been the bane of my existence for close to 5 weeks and has highjacked the last half of our summer. I am now vacuuming about twice a day and spayed all the carpets and rug with Vet strength insect growth regulatar (bascially flea birth control). I'm hoping this does it.

The only good thing to come of it, I finally got my dyson slim. boy do I love it though. ;)

indigo girls

2007-08-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

ahhhhh.they play romeo and juliet. and three county highway. and virginia woolf.heaven.after the day i had, what a treat to see them. so fun with peter too. glad i canceled the ebay auction.they are my "phish"as long as they play, i'll keep coming.

here we are, and here i am

2007-06-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

soooo...
now i've created yet another blog. wonder if i'll keep this one up.
this is the third and i have yet to have a blog i have posted on more than twice.
anyhu
today was so so. katie is here, visiting from san fran for coreen's wedding, which was wonderful. (kate is my younger sister, 26. and coreen is a mutual friend we both waitressed with and have known for more than 10 yrs. we love coreen)
of course i cried at the ceremony. ugh. big tears. it was so beautiful, personal, and poignant.
i guess i was just thinking of all the things that makeup a really strong, wonderful marriage. it's work, trust, sacrifice.
i hope coreen and josh are very happy together. they seem to be a great match.