just passing through....

honestly, i don't even know why i don't just delete this thing sometimes....

we are trudging through, almost done with summer classes, and maybe (!) i can get a breather after that. right now it's been work, work, work, morning and night class for dave, me terminally exhausted, trying to keep up with 2 energetic boys.... feeling like i'm failing in all arenas. i just can't seem to get ahead of myself, or recharge my batteries to get through. i'm just doing the best i can right now. i wish it didn't feel so hard sometimes.

i also seem to be having more and more guilt about working. since we signed rowan up for pre-school next year (quite a substantial monthly nut that will be) i have been knowing things are going to have to change a bit (read: i need to get some other kind of job to supplement this...) we scrutinized our choices, and felt this was the best situation for him, and since we will not have to pay for grade school (free charter school) we figured it was worth the one year struggle... liam just finished his kindergarten year, and really grew in leaps and bounds. he went from just being able to write his name, to now reading chapter books in one school year. and he loves it. i still want to read him stories at bedtime, but he tells me "no, i'm reading to you.." (!) wonderful. i am so proud of him.

the floor is suffering from low staffing, and so my approved vaca time isn't really going to be honored. all i wanted was to get down to see my grandparents, with dave and the boys, especially after this winter (since Clark, my uncle committed suicide in feb... oooh that's another loooong post). i just hope i can finagle some sort of mid week kind of thing and shoot down to AL for 7 days.

in other bright news (!! hahah!!) seriously... :) dave is doing welll, and i can, despite my stress level, see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. i'm relieved that this really is finite, and i will be able to be with the boys and have some semblance of regularity again. i just struggle when i am sooo far in it that i can't seem to get ahold of some balance in our life. that's really hard. managing the house while working on the unit... i can't even get through a shift without being texted about what to cook for dinner, when i don't even get home until bedtime (!)

until next time...
hopefully that may be sooner than 5 months...

Baaaaaaaaaaad Blogger

well, i've been MIA for, uhhh months. but life happens. and boy does it. rowan continues to slowly torture us with sleep deprivation and i cannot remember the last time i've slept longer than a 3 hours stretch in, oh 2 years. work has been draining the life from me, and i continue to job hunt for something in labor and delivery. i suppose when you don't have anything good to say....

dave is flying through school and i can't believe the first year will be done before i know it. we signed ourselves on to a wixked summer class schedule (morning and evening classes daily mon to thur for 5 weeks) but this will allow dave to be off for the better part of july and august as opposed to being in summer school throughout the summer. no way jose. we need a break!!!!

liam is reading now and really enjoys kindergarten. we were so blessed that he got into this charter school....

well... enough for now
....

school days

so, my oldest is off to kindergarten. we finally got word the week before school that liam was in at my mother's school (where she is the school nurse). it is a progressive charter school and scores quite well. we were naturally excited. it didn't quite hit me until days before. we took a final summer outing to the sprinklers in bayonne, which were the only ones still on after labor day, the day before school opened. as i watched liam frolick in the water, the feeling came over me that this was the last day "home". so i cried the day before school. i just had this overwheling feeling of wanting another year. it was such a sense of sadness and loss for the last 5+ years that i hadn't really sat in yet. these moments that we don't anticipate, the ones that creep up on you, these are the hard parts of motherhood you don't hear/know about from the start, from your friends at your shower.

liam ended up late that day since we had to get his transfer, not knowing we wasted time at ps 28 and then going to saoring heights, his original charter school, to get the transfer. he went for 2/3 of the half day. he loved it, and his teachers are wonderful. our neighbor down the street is in his class and he feels comfortable making new friends.

on the job front, orientation for hospice is put on hold at this time. i just don't know where i would fit in the time. we decided that i will just try to do a couple extra shifts a month at work. i am starting to really get the hang of this, as much as i possibly could. the short-staffing is pretty ridiculous, but there isn't i am able to do about that.

terms of employment

i have always and forever adored 't.erms of e.ndearment', esp. the scene when Shirley is pleading with the nurses for the 10pm pain meds ("It's past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don't understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT'S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can't you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!" ). it's in the class of films i watch biyearly, and cry at all the same parts. i now have 2 sons and the last scene with her boys gets increasingly more difficult to watch. to contemplate that reality, well, no thanks.

i digress.

i have been mulling over the idea of a second job, per diem of course, preferably 16 to 20 hours a month. ideally, i'd just want to fill in to where i would be working a normal 40 hr week, since my present job albeit "full-time" isn't quite that. it isn't as easy to find per diem work, as i have been in med/surg under a year.

i drove out to p.arsippany yesterday to interview at a hospice company that i was introduced to through several of our patients. i have admitted several patients to in house hospice over the last few weeks. i routinely care for terminal patients, and feel an interest in pursuing this. i'm good at it. their needs are basic, and it clarifies a resolve in me to be the nurse i thought i would be when i was in school. what i am now, i feel, is a drug pusher, a waitress of opiates; managing the crazy and emptying the catheters. it doesn't feel like i do any good; i just make sure to keep them alive for shift change... ha ha, little medical humor. not funny? yeah, i know.

not sure what will happen, per usual. i just don't want to take anymore time away from the boys. at least with this, i tell them my availability. and i can work as much or as little as i want. say i want to work some evenings when dave is studying and the boys are sleeping, *poof*! done. sounds pretty decent... except when that means, i'm going out to do a pronouncement. geez. i won't be any fun at parties.

recent ones of the chillens...

fun times

well, it's been an age, hasn't it? i've gone through orientation and have now been on my own for something like 4 weeks. i was pulled today to another med/surg floor, and it was OK, albeit busy. i wasn't sure how the day would pan out considering the moment i walked on the floor, i was told one of my prospective patients had "expired". gee, that was welcoming.

i spent most of the day suctioning the trach of a man dying of throat cancer. many of us nurses have our Achilles heel. mine happens to be mucous. not just run of the mill,but copious, copious amounts, of putrid odoriferous mucous, shooting out of trach tubes. (oh, yes... it was.) it caught me off guard when i nearly had to grab his trash can while during said suctioning while his aunt looked on. he is the most emacicated, cachetic patients i've ever seen. his skin is like saran wrapping a skeleton. his thraot cancer has now spread to his lungs, yet the family holds out hope that he will go home with some help. i hate when i have to speak with family when they are still in such denial. he is a full code patient (meaning no DNR order) and truthfully, i doubt he will make it to monday.

i have had some colorful experiences thus far in my weeks. i am now unsure if i will ever end up in an ER somewhere. i've had my share of crazy right now. some days, i just want to transfer to the nursery and change diapers all day, at least the butts are smaller...

first days

so, i have started. last week was 3 days in a row, about 13 1/2 a day. i barely saw the kiddos awake. trust me, this wasn't my choice. i have to follow my preceptor's schedule for 12 weeks...
it is a busy floor. we have samed ay oncology on one end and dialysis on the other. we had an 18 year noncompliant guy with active TB, various MRSA, VRE, and several C-Diff patients (C-Diff is a nasty nasty [like no diarrhea isn't nasty??] diarrhea you can catch from antibiotics, and it's soo hard to get rid of) by day 2 i had 2 patients of my own, and i've been rolling ever since. and yes, someone died on my first day (not because of me of course!!!) and i did post-mortum care. what a way to end it.
i don't know really what i think, since i don't know if i want to stay in this area. i know it's just started, but i just don't know. i like much more excitement. today was fairly ho-hum and i discharged 3 people.
ah, well. at least i have off tomorrow

Orientation

Smallpox
Anthrax
Ricin
WMD
What comes to mind? What do those words encite in your parasympathetic nervous system? For me, yikes! do you have a paperbag!??!?!? WEll... my one day hospital orientation was today, regular RN orientation starts on Feb 4th, then right into floor orientation. It was one day, just sitting, listening, mostly OSHA, benefits, and risk management stuff. I thought there may be some emergency preparedness since it is a hospital and it is in Hoboken, so when I saw the schedule, I thought "Oh what fun, the last hour is an entirely diaster readiness!!"
I knew I wouldn't enjoy it, but I didn't think I would be the only person biting my lip, fighting back tears for nearly the whole hour.
Alrighty, some history on this ... I lived in Jersey City, as we do now and on the same block, on 9/11. My 6 windows in my kitchen and living room framed the NY skyline. So after 9/11, all I could see was the smoking towers for, oh 3+ weeks. I have since battled PTSD. A 12 hour power outage in August 2003 sent me into level 4 panic for hours. Let's just say I freaked my sister out. Poor thing, she had no idea about me. So when we moved to Mass. I struggled with the move and PTSD, so while in nursing school, I utilized my resources at school. I was diagnosed with PTSD and met with my mental health professional on campus once a week for,oooh, 52 weeks....

I am better, but the reality of moving back to the hot zone, with my 2 kids, can strike the fear of whatever in me...

I know I have made some progress since I first sought help. Today, I was at about a 5 and knew I could more easily get to a 1 or 2, rather than going into a full-blown 8, and staying there for days..... It doesn't necessarily make me feel better or safer.

I wish I had better answers for myself. This is the best I can do right now. But, it is still better than what I had. I suppose it is some sort of progress.

As for everything else, just hanging in there. Kiddos are not sick, which is always nice. Dave starts his Saturday class this weekend. 9 to 4 every Sat. yay. I'm hoping I get some sort of schedule from my preceptor the beginning of Feb, otherwise I don't know how I'm going to sort out a bday party for Liam, who turns 5 on 2/21. OMG!!!!

I will be on days now. My new nurse manager called and offered me the change. I think 7a to 7p will be much more tolerable than 7p to 7a... ya think?!?!?