school days

so, my oldest is off to kindergarten. we finally got word the week before school that liam was in at my mother's school (where she is the school nurse). it is a progressive charter school and scores quite well. we were naturally excited. it didn't quite hit me until days before. we took a final summer outing to the sprinklers in bayonne, which were the only ones still on after labor day, the day before school opened. as i watched liam frolick in the water, the feeling came over me that this was the last day "home". so i cried the day before school. i just had this overwheling feeling of wanting another year. it was such a sense of sadness and loss for the last 5+ years that i hadn't really sat in yet. these moments that we don't anticipate, the ones that creep up on you, these are the hard parts of motherhood you don't hear/know about from the start, from your friends at your shower.

liam ended up late that day since we had to get his transfer, not knowing we wasted time at ps 28 and then going to saoring heights, his original charter school, to get the transfer. he went for 2/3 of the half day. he loved it, and his teachers are wonderful. our neighbor down the street is in his class and he feels comfortable making new friends.

on the job front, orientation for hospice is put on hold at this time. i just don't know where i would fit in the time. we decided that i will just try to do a couple extra shifts a month at work. i am starting to really get the hang of this, as much as i possibly could. the short-staffing is pretty ridiculous, but there isn't i am able to do about that.

terms of employment

i have always and forever adored 't.erms of e.ndearment', esp. the scene when Shirley is pleading with the nurses for the 10pm pain meds ("It's past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don't understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT'S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can't you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!" ). it's in the class of films i watch biyearly, and cry at all the same parts. i now have 2 sons and the last scene with her boys gets increasingly more difficult to watch. to contemplate that reality, well, no thanks.

i digress.

i have been mulling over the idea of a second job, per diem of course, preferably 16 to 20 hours a month. ideally, i'd just want to fill in to where i would be working a normal 40 hr week, since my present job albeit "full-time" isn't quite that. it isn't as easy to find per diem work, as i have been in med/surg under a year.

i drove out to p.arsippany yesterday to interview at a hospice company that i was introduced to through several of our patients. i have admitted several patients to in house hospice over the last few weeks. i routinely care for terminal patients, and feel an interest in pursuing this. i'm good at it. their needs are basic, and it clarifies a resolve in me to be the nurse i thought i would be when i was in school. what i am now, i feel, is a drug pusher, a waitress of opiates; managing the crazy and emptying the catheters. it doesn't feel like i do any good; i just make sure to keep them alive for shift change... ha ha, little medical humor. not funny? yeah, i know.

not sure what will happen, per usual. i just don't want to take anymore time away from the boys. at least with this, i tell them my availability. and i can work as much or as little as i want. say i want to work some evenings when dave is studying and the boys are sleeping, *poof*! done. sounds pretty decent... except when that means, i'm going out to do a pronouncement. geez. i won't be any fun at parties.

recent ones of the chillens...

fun times

well, it's been an age, hasn't it? i've gone through orientation and have now been on my own for something like 4 weeks. i was pulled today to another med/surg floor, and it was OK, albeit busy. i wasn't sure how the day would pan out considering the moment i walked on the floor, i was told one of my prospective patients had "expired". gee, that was welcoming.

i spent most of the day suctioning the trach of a man dying of throat cancer. many of us nurses have our Achilles heel. mine happens to be mucous. not just run of the mill,but copious, copious amounts, of putrid odoriferous mucous, shooting out of trach tubes. (oh, yes... it was.) it caught me off guard when i nearly had to grab his trash can while during said suctioning while his aunt looked on. he is the most emacicated, cachetic patients i've ever seen. his skin is like saran wrapping a skeleton. his thraot cancer has now spread to his lungs, yet the family holds out hope that he will go home with some help. i hate when i have to speak with family when they are still in such denial. he is a full code patient (meaning no DNR order) and truthfully, i doubt he will make it to monday.

i have had some colorful experiences thus far in my weeks. i am now unsure if i will ever end up in an ER somewhere. i've had my share of crazy right now. some days, i just want to transfer to the nursery and change diapers all day, at least the butts are smaller...

first days

so, i have started. last week was 3 days in a row, about 13 1/2 a day. i barely saw the kiddos awake. trust me, this wasn't my choice. i have to follow my preceptor's schedule for 12 weeks...
it is a busy floor. we have samed ay oncology on one end and dialysis on the other. we had an 18 year noncompliant guy with active TB, various MRSA, VRE, and several C-Diff patients (C-Diff is a nasty nasty [like no diarrhea isn't nasty??] diarrhea you can catch from antibiotics, and it's soo hard to get rid of) by day 2 i had 2 patients of my own, and i've been rolling ever since. and yes, someone died on my first day (not because of me of course!!!) and i did post-mortum care. what a way to end it.
i don't know really what i think, since i don't know if i want to stay in this area. i know it's just started, but i just don't know. i like much more excitement. today was fairly ho-hum and i discharged 3 people.
ah, well. at least i have off tomorrow

Orientation

Smallpox
Anthrax
Ricin
WMD
What comes to mind? What do those words encite in your parasympathetic nervous system? For me, yikes! do you have a paperbag!??!?!? WEll... my one day hospital orientation was today, regular RN orientation starts on Feb 4th, then right into floor orientation. It was one day, just sitting, listening, mostly OSHA, benefits, and risk management stuff. I thought there may be some emergency preparedness since it is a hospital and it is in Hoboken, so when I saw the schedule, I thought "Oh what fun, the last hour is an entirely diaster readiness!!"
I knew I wouldn't enjoy it, but I didn't think I would be the only person biting my lip, fighting back tears for nearly the whole hour.
Alrighty, some history on this ... I lived in Jersey City, as we do now and on the same block, on 9/11. My 6 windows in my kitchen and living room framed the NY skyline. So after 9/11, all I could see was the smoking towers for, oh 3+ weeks. I have since battled PTSD. A 12 hour power outage in August 2003 sent me into level 4 panic for hours. Let's just say I freaked my sister out. Poor thing, she had no idea about me. So when we moved to Mass. I struggled with the move and PTSD, so while in nursing school, I utilized my resources at school. I was diagnosed with PTSD and met with my mental health professional on campus once a week for,oooh, 52 weeks....

I am better, but the reality of moving back to the hot zone, with my 2 kids, can strike the fear of whatever in me...

I know I have made some progress since I first sought help. Today, I was at about a 5 and knew I could more easily get to a 1 or 2, rather than going into a full-blown 8, and staying there for days..... It doesn't necessarily make me feel better or safer.

I wish I had better answers for myself. This is the best I can do right now. But, it is still better than what I had. I suppose it is some sort of progress.

As for everything else, just hanging in there. Kiddos are not sick, which is always nice. Dave starts his Saturday class this weekend. 9 to 4 every Sat. yay. I'm hoping I get some sort of schedule from my preceptor the beginning of Feb, otherwise I don't know how I'm going to sort out a bday party for Liam, who turns 5 on 2/21. OMG!!!!

I will be on days now. My new nurse manager called and offered me the change. I think 7a to 7p will be much more tolerable than 7p to 7a... ya think?!?!?

bad blogger

jeez! i can't even write one post in a month??!!? what was i doing in december?
well... christmas was quite nice. low-key, but nice. i somehow got myself a wonderous cold and near sinus infection the entire week. ugh, i wasn't too happy. esp since the friday morning after xmas when i woke (7 days into it) with the nastiest bit of what i thought was a sinus infection... i called my doctor, only to find she didn't have anyone covering. granted i anticipated having to see whomever she has covering her, since she was out, but what primary care doesn't have someone covering??!?!? they just tell her pts to go to the ER??? ugh.
lucky for me, things cleared quickly. just more difficult when your littlest enjoys waking you nightly each time you fall asleep, which is about 7x a night!!!
SORRY!!! enough whining!!!!
the boys LOVED their train table, and liam esp loved his T-Rex. Dave and I pooled our gifts and got the Canon S3IS. happy about that, just have to sit myself down and actually read some directions for once. i'm horrid at directions. i just get impatient.
i am inching my way closer and closer to my start date at h.boken hospital. i know dave is sooo happy about leaving hp, and i am glad he will be starting his anatomy class, but i definitely have my moments of panic when i remember a) i will be now be the sole bread-winner and b) i will no longer be the stay-at-home parent... i know this is only for the duration of dave's nursing school, but i keep thinking my time with rowan at home is OVER. i'm not sure what will help me get over this hump, but i'm going to try not to have my mini panic attacks!!!!